The title is a line from a song I’m listening to right now called In the Sun by Joseph Arthur…not because it necessarily has a ton to do with my writing. I usually do the title last, but I like the song.
I am stubborn when it comes to my body. I like to blame it on the athlete mentality. I’ve broken 3 bones and had 5 surgeries already in my life. Apparently I like to think I’m stubborn, but my body doesn’t get the memo in quite the same way my mind does. God has usually used physically extreme things that happen to my body to wake me up to something in my life. I mean, I basically became a Christian because of a broken hand I had to have surgery on my freshmen year of college.
Physical pain brings up a lot of emotion in me because of how it is tied to my story, mainly as an athlete, but also because of what my relationship with my parents has been like in the midst of those injuries. In a word, terrifying. Surgery is one of the most vulnerable places your body can be in. It has been somewhat of a psychological nightmare every time I’ve had it.
I hate physical pain. I do not listen to my body. I guess that’s why God uses it a lot of times to knock me upside the head.
My back started hurting about 2 weeks ago. How you ask? As ridiculous as this sounds, I think it was therapy. Go figure. The first session Amanda and I had after Christmas, she was asking me to put some words to some sadness that I was feeling. I was struggling to do so, and Amanda told me, “For some reason I picture your sadness being in your back. I don’t know why.” I kind of laughed at her and said that was funny because my back felt fine. The rest of the session ended up being one of the most intense sessions I have had with Amanda because of where my mind went and some intense dissociation I experienced. My body was incredibly tense the entire time. As I was getting on the elevator to leave, and trying to recover from what I had just been through, I noticed a slight pain in my back. Nothing major, and I remembered chuckling to myself because of Amanda’s earlier comment.
Amanda is never allowed to talk about my body ever again!!!!!! The pain in my lower back has gotten progressively worse. Of course, being the stubborn person that I am, I’ve ignored it. I played through a stress fracture until it broke (which, I will admit, was probably not the smartest thing I’ve ever done) when I was in college. I can handle a little back pain. I woke up this morning barely being able to move. I’ve been stiff in the mornings for a while, but once I start moving around, the stiffness usually goes away. Not the case today. I tried to go on an easy walk through Discovery Park. While the walk was beautiful, my back continued to be pissed at me. I got home and have been mainly in my bed ever since because it hurts too much to move a lot. Doing everything I knew, from stretching, icing, heat, and popping way too many Aleeve and ibuprofin, even asking people on facebook what to do, I broke down this afternoon. I cried. After doing everything I knew to do to make the pain go away (because you know, injuries always tend to heal in a matter of hours), I cried because it hurt so bad to move. I have never, ever, ever, ever in my entire life cried over physical pain. I did today.
Maybe Amanda was right…about the sadness. Maybe the reason the tears came today was because of how sad I have been lately. I teared up in Substance Abuse Wednesday because I watched one of my friends interacting with another person, and she was so happy. I teared up because I’m sick of all the happy people (not that there are a ton at Mars Hill, but you know
). I know I need the happy people. But I am feeling very bitter, and apparently emotional towards them right now. My life is going through a huge upheaval, and I just don’t feel happy, and I can’t fake the happiness.
And maybe, once again, God is trying to tell me something in my physical pain. It’s different this time though. The stubbornness is still there. I found myself wishing someone would take care of me. I have never wished that before…on the other hand, when I’ve been hurt, I’ve wanted the entire world to leave me alone, clenched my teeth, and taken care of myself. I mean, I freaking cried! I don’t cry over physical pain. I wanted someone to take care of me, and I cried. Oh, Amanda is going to have fun with this one on Monday.